Happy Birthday!

Nine years ago today, the love of my life came into the world. What a wild and wonderful ride it has been. Hooray!

Rainy Day Thoughts While Waiting for a Friend

If you had asked me a little over a year ago (and you wouldn't have, because I wasn't in the blogosphere yet), I would have said I had five really close friends: one from jr. high, one from high school, one from college, one from my seminary years (though not from seminary) and my husband. None of those folks lived near me, other than the hubby.

Over the course of the last year, I lost my husband. He's still a friend, but obviously the friendship is strained and will never be as intimate as it once was. I also had one of my closest friends fall away as we both endured pretty hard life transitions and did so very differently. I have been wondering whether to reach out to her again, but I know that I do not trust her as I once did. Another friend (see yesterday's post) is now closer in distance, but her own life difficulties have made it harder to stay tight. That might change. And with another friend, we've simply fallen out of touch from years and years of not seeing each other and rarely speaking any more.

That leaves one friend. She's coming today for a visit so I'll be out of touch for a few days, probably.

I'm starting to make friends in this new city. It is a slow process at this stage of adulthood. Not like college or grad school when you can sit around for hours shooting the shit. We all have jobs and mortgages and kids and parents to care for. Our lives are busy and we sneak in walks or talks over coffee when we can. I have lived in eight places in the past twenty-two years. Now I feel like I'm starting over in so many ways -- career, relationships, place, sense of self.

On Sunday the sermon was called "Sweet Surrender." Using the Martha/Mary passage, the preacher talked about moving beyond doing or being, beyond action or contemplation, into a kind of surrendered living where we practice daily allowing our lives to be shaped by the spirit, so we learn to know instinctively when to be in the kitchen working and when to be sitting at the feet of Christ listening. Last night I was reading Sue Monk Kidd on this same topic: surrender. Using the image of the caterpillar beginning the work of the chrysalis, she talked about "diapause," a process where caterpillars can actually put off the timing of the cocoon for up to a year if they don't feel ready yet to leave behind the caterpillar life. How hard it is, she noted, to really let go of who we have been and surrender into a new life, trusting God to shape us into who we might become. We let go a little bit and then grab hold of some old security again. Bit by bit, we let ourselves be changed. Or we don't.

Surrender is not my strong suit. Yet I long for this next stage of life to be God-driven, God-shaped, God-fragranced. I long to let myself be surprised by the workings of grace. God, save me from being Martha when I need to be Mary, and when the nurturing, sacred work of Martha needs to be done, let me do it gracefully. Amen.

Shopping, Redux

Just spent the weekend helping a friend get settled into a nearby city to start a new job. She has been stuck in a horrible, god-forsaken place for the last seven years, during which time she grew deeply depressed, as well as physically ill. I'm so delighted that she's out of there, has an interesting new position at an area college and is within easy driving distance for weekend visits.

Some of you will remember my post on shopping. Being with this friend was an eye opener. During her depression she became a compulsive shopper and her new place is piled floor to ceiling with her purchases, most still in their boxes or with tags on, never opened, never used. Four coffeemakers, for example. Close to a hundred new towels. She realizes this is crazy. She said to me, "I hope I'm never that sad and lonely again."

Yeah, me too, my friend. Me too.

The Illusionist

Having depressed myself with Sick-O last night, I needed me some eye candy. Mmmm, mmm, I loves me some Edward Norton. The Illusionist is a fun flick. This photo isn't from the movie, cause the movie shots weren't close ups of the boy. Sweet dreams.

Back to the Pope ...

Now I Feel Sick-O

Just saw Sick-O. I was working on my personal budget today and since I'm now living paycheck to paycheck, this budget really has to be followed. When I added up what I spend monthly on health insurance and then paying for the therapy, medication and so forth my health insurance doesn't cover and thought about what I could be doing with all that money if I lived in Canada, England, France, Cuba or pretty much anywhere else in the civilized world, I got quite depressed. Great. Now I'll need more therapy and medication that my health insurance won't cover.

Ed's Funny

Thanks to Ed for this good laugh. As my self-description says, always in search of a belly laugh, and Ed provided it today.